Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
