Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
