the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
