I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize