I faked an abortion last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
