Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need water and some morals
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
