I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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