Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize