There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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