what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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