I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
