My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
