i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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