You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
