somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
