ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
