I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
