apparently the secret to your success is patron
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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