My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize