I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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