We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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