I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize