I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
