The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
