I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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