Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
