Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
