You made me cry and you don't even care
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
