My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
