Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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