just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
