This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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