Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
