Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
