Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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