I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
