STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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