i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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