i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he's single and there are thong briefs.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
