Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
