I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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