I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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