Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
