you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize