they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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