is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
