Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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