highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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