the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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