i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize