the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
