I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
