There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
