saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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