I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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